It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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