She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
