i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
