I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
