If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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