he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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