My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
