When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
