Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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