i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
