We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
