i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Drake has all the answers
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
