I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
