Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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