He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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