btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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