I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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