Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
