Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
