I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
