How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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