my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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