can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
