apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
