Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Welp...herpes.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
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My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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