I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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