Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
