Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
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I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
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Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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