textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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