even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
