I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
