i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
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Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
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I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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