The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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