Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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