Pappa wants mamma naked
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
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