I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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