i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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