There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
