when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
