your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
