I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
