They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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