he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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