The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Operation Purity has been aborted
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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