The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
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we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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