Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
