if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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