My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
