just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
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She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
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You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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