Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
