so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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