My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
