I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
