So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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