Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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