the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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