sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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