hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
