i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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