I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
